The Letter
by Kimmy Malfoy
Summary: Kathryn writes Chakotay a letter on the eve of his wedding...JC


Dear Chakotay,

            Some say, to say goodbye is the hardest thing to do. And I must confess bidding goodbye to you Chakotay seems like someone is tearing out my heart, leaving me void of any emotion. Too many nights I have spent dreaming of your kiss, your touch and the magic of your smile. I never had any intention of letting you go, but even after seven years I was terrified of someone, who in the words of Emily Bronte, is "more myself than I". To say goodbye to you, to see you marry Seven is pure agony. I lost you the day you came on board. I recognized my instantaneous attraction to you and so I set up barriers upon barriers to keep you out, yet you still found your way in. I wanted nothing more than to be yours forever. But I, in all my wisdom, thought that would never be possible. Now that it's over, not a day goes by that I do not regret the choices I have made. Beverly Crusher once told me "we all make choices that shape our destiny Kathryn". And I now know she was right. Would things have been different if there was no Kashyk, Michael or Jaffen? In all my selfishness I realize I have dealt my own card of fate. I was so consumed with the crew, protocol and every other stupid, petty thing that I forgot you. I guess I took you for granted Chakotay… you were always there for me, but I was never there for you and I'm sorry. It seems that you cannot loose something you never had. Chakotay, you were too wonderful for me, I did not deserve you, you were never mine to loose. And so, on this, the eve of your wedding I write this letter to give you my regards, my blessings and my undying love and devotion. Perhaps one day I will find another space traveler, another warrior; I know in my heart I will never find an angry warrior or a star- crossed voyager quite like you. I have always dreamed that we would end our days together. To sail off into the mists like Lancelot and Guinevere, but this is not a legend. No, this is reality, a harsh cold reality. A life that is empty without my eternal companion, my best friend. We have come to journey's end, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that I will wake up and be back on Voyager, in your arms. There is truly no way to skirt the issue any longer. I love you; I always have, and always will. Matters of the heart were always your strong suit; after all you once told me "there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy Kathryn". Those words still echo in my mind to this day, love truly is greater than any anomaly or warp core diagnostic or even protocol. How you must be smiling to see these words. I will remember every argument, every smile, and every tear. Oh Chakotay words alone cannot even begin to express how much you have taught me. I hope that if you learned anything from me, it is that there are some barriers that you need to cross. The Prime Directive isn't a God, though I may have made it seem like one. I'm sorry for everything… I'm truly sorry this woman warrior has caused you so much pain. I would go back to the Delta Quadrant, hell I'd go to another galaxy if it meant I could be near you. Don't think that I'm trying to take you away from Seven; I saw a sparkle in your eye when you looked at her. That special sparkle I saw all those years ago on New Earth. If she makes you happy, I wish you the best. I was too scared and too stupid to tell you how much I love you. I want you to know that when you appeared on my view screen, when we were strangers staring out on our journey… I never dreamt of the effect that you would have on me, on my very existence. I letting you go, though I'd give away my soul to touch you once again, but I'm letting you fly away from me. Be free of your burden my love, be at peace. You will be in my heart always. 

Eternally yours,

_Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway _

She looked one last time at the letter in her hand, as she stood outside of Chakotay's room. There was no turning back now; everything she felt was there on that little padd... As she leaned down to leave the letter by his door, it swished open, and shocked she fell backwards. There he stood, looking down at her. Her hair was a mess, tears had stained her cheeks, and her eyes were red and puffy. She felt her hands shaking, her whole body was trembling. As he stretched out his hand to her, she realized that this would be the last time she would feel the touch of his hand. She tried to stop the tears from escaping, but a few escaped from her eyes. Chakotay leaned down next to the sobbing Captain. In the dim lighting she could see a lone tear fall down his cheek. "Don't do this Kathryn, not now…" He pulled her close to him and stroked her hair as her cries tapered off. He began talking again. "It's too hard to let go Kathryn, I just can't marry Seven, I just can't" 

She felt her chest burn as he let her go… it was going to take all of her courage to say it… but she had to. "Then don't…" There was a long and awkward pause. A million thoughts raced through her mind… did he still love her? She realized, even if he didn't she had to say it. "I love you Chakotay" she whispered quietly. He looked at her and grabbed her into a passionate kiss. "Kathryn Janeway… I love you more than life itself…" 

He and Seven ended their relationship that night, when she realized that Chakotay was and always had been the Captain's man. Jealousy burned inside her, but she realized that there was no way she could ever have made Chakotay happy. Not after she had read the letter she found outside his door. She never knew how much the Captain loved the Commander, and as she looked out of the window, she saw them walking hand in hand, smiling and laughing. And she knew they were happy, they were in love. 

As the water brushed up against their ankles, Kathryn handed Chakotay the letter that Seven had given back to her. As he read what she wrote, she saw his eyes water and he gripped her hand tighter. He stopped walking and took both of her hands in his and asked: "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I thought it would be too hard to have a relationship, but I was wrong…" He gently kissed her lips and put his arm around her shoulder as they walked off into the sunrise. Kathryn smiled at her thought, it _was_ easier to say hello than goodbye… 


End file.
